CONNECT
Spend time with your kids: eat meals together.
As children reach the teen years they endeavor to separate from their parents. It’s easy for parents to interpret this push for independence to mean that their kids don’t want them involved in their lives. Research points to a different scenario. Parents of preteens and teenagers need to meaningfully connect with their kids —to listen, show interest, spend time with, and build a positive relationship with their kids. Be a Can Do Parent —stay connected with your preteen or teenager.
Here are ideas you can try to continue connecting with your child as he moves through middle school.
Progressive Fast Food Meal
Make a list of all the fast food restaurants where your family enjoys eating. Decide on a meal in order of courses. For example, salad, entree, side dishes, and dessert. Then match each course with the name of the restaurant that you like best for that particular item.
Load up the car and the adventure begins. At the first stop order one salad and ask for a fork for each family member. At the next stop order one hamburger or hot dog or other item for each family member. Order a large side dish such as fries at the next restaurant. Go to your fourth restaurant for drinks. (Or head to a grocery store and buy a soda for each family member.) Drive to your favorite dessert stop and share pie or buy an ice cream cone for each family member as you discuss what you enjoyed most about your adventure.
Plan to do it again in six months.
Plate of Honor
It is comforting to know that you are loved —that your family thinks you are special. It’s also nice to receive a special dose of encouragement or a little extra TLC. Give your children (and other family members) the essential message that they are important with a “Plate of Honor”. Choose a special plate that is different from ones that you usually use at mealtime. It can be purchased inexpensively at a discount store or resale shop. Pick out a very dramatic or fancy plate to emphasize “special”! Rotate the plate each week to a different family member. Take turns as a family saying something comforting, encouraging or complimentary to the person who has the “Plate of Honor” before him.
Floor Games
Your family enjoys eating. And they enjoy playing games. What would happen if you combined the two? A great night of family fun! Place pillows and blankets on your living or family room floor. Choose some games that your family enjoys playing together; these can be board games or card games. Plan a menu of finger foods such as chicken strips, grapes, carrot sticks, and rolls. Use disposable dinnerware for easy clean up. Now you are ready to play. Invite your family into the “game room” to play floor games. Begin by eating or play a few games and then take a break and eat. Keep interest high by frequently playing a different game.
Kids Spell Love, T-I-M-E
You are the most important person in your kid’s life and just like you schedule time with other important people in your life, you need to remember to carve out some regular time to hang out with your kid. Kids thrive on routine and will look forward to the Saturday morning breakfast, trip to the arcade, or one-on-one basketball game. Not only will you have fun spending time with her, you will also develop lines of communication through small talk, stories, or catching up on each other’s week. It is also a chance to talk about drugs or other risky behaviors. This is a non-confrontational, safe time that can be used to talk about your values and show your child that you want to be involved in her life.
COMMUNICATE
Talk with your kids about the dangers of tobacco, alcohol and drugs.
Life Lines
Do your kids a favor; equip them with lines they can use to say no to using drugs and other risky behavior. It is a lot easier to be prepared for a situation than to try and come up with the right words on the spot. Practice the following Life Lines with your kids and talk about the situations when they could be used.
- “If you were really my friend you wouldn’t ask me to try something bad for me.”
- “I’ve got big plans and drugs aren’t a part of them.”
- “I thought you were smarter than that.”
- “Why would I want to do something that’s bad for me?”
- “I’d rather eat chocolate.”
- “I’m surprised you would do something so bad for you.”
- “I can’t use drugs and play sports. I’ll get kicked off the team!”
- “No way! I can’t afford to ruin my chances of getting a scholarship.”
- “I can’t. My parents said they would drug test me if they ever thought I was using drugs.”
- “Are you crazy! My mom said she would send me to live with my relatives. I don’t want to leave home.”
- “No way, I don’t want to get arrested.”
- “I can’t get into any trouble. I’ll lose my license.”
Media Mix Ups
The media is not always your friend when it comes to teaching your kid about alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs. TV, movies, music, and the Internet can give confusing messages about drug use. Your child may see a Public Service Announcement that is anti-drug during a program that shows how popular kids use them. Music lyrics tell kids that they can’t have fun at a party without them and there are pro-drug Web sites that are easily accessed by your child.
You can help clear up this confusion by dialoguing with your child. Anytime you are watching TV and see a beer commercial, talk with your child about what you see. Does she really think that beer is needed to have fun or that all people who drink have the fun being portrayed on the commercial? Your voice is the one that you want her to hear when it comes to something so important. Talk about the cigarette billboards that you see when you are driving together; process the movie scenes that glamorize drinking or drug use; supervise the content of her Internet viewing; be the person who will tell her the truth about what she sees and hears.
Sample Questions for a Parent-Kid Talk
(after watching a movie depicting young people smoking marijuana)
- What would you guess their parents feel about their marijuana use?
- Why do you think the movie didn’t show the negative consequences of their marijuana use.
- Why do you think they felt they needed to smoke marijuana?
- What do you think the people who produced the movie want to teach you about drugs?
Practice, Practice, Practice!
Lights, camera, action! Okay, okay, so you aren’t making a movie but you are giving your child a chance to rehearse for those times when his friends pester him into making the choice of doing the right or the wrong thing. Role-playing allows your child to practice saying no in a non-threatening environment and feel more comfortable about doing it later. Talk with your child about situations that he may encounter on a normal day. Don’t over react to situations mentioned, this may make your child less reluctant to share in the future. Turn these situations into opportunities to role-play what the best way to handle these situations would be. These could include: being pressured to try beer by a friend he wants to impress; being offered cigarettes by an older kid at school; or feeling like he needs to get with it and try to do something that he knows isn’t right.
Most kids know the words they should say but it can be very difficult to say them while looking at someone whose approval they are seeking. Role-playing offers them the opportunity to say those words out loud and proud and get ready for the time when they really need them.
Possible situations:
- You are at the mall with two of your friends and meet four popular kids from your school. One of them offers you a cigarette. What do you say?
- Your best friend has really changed in the last few weeks. You’ve known each other since kindergarten and pretty much thought alike. Now she’s hanging around the “problem” kids at school. She’s been dressing differently and using language that she never has before. She wants to go to the movies with her new friends and wants to know if you will say she was at your house if her mom asks where she was. What will you tell her?
- Your next door neighbor’s older brother offers you a beer when you go over to play video game at his house. His parents aren’t home. What do you say?
Don’t Keep Them Guessing
Where you stand on alcohol and other drug use should not be something that your child should have to guess. You may think that your child knows how you feel about the issues but have you ever really asked him? Here’s your chance. Now is the time to be very, very clear about what you believe.
Begin your discussion by asking your child to state your family’s position on alcohol and other drug use. If this draws a blank stare from him it may be best to begin at the beginning and brainstorm together some simple but powerful family guidelines. From this you can develop your family’s position on alcohol and other drugs.
Possible guideline examples:
- Substances to be avoided include alcohol, marijuana, any form of inhalant, tobacco, and any pills not prescribed by a doctor.
- No driving in a car with anyone who has been drinking. Call home.
- If you are at a party where any of these substances are being used, call home for a ride.
- The use of alcohol, tobacco and other drugs is not permitted in your home or anyone else’s.
Remind your child how much you love him —that you are discussing these rules because you want the best for him. Read your list of brainstormed guidelines and come up with a statement about drug use that applies to your family.
At the end of your brainstorming and discussion time make a very clear statement to your child, “It is not okay for you to use drugs of any kind or hang around people who do use them.”
CHECK
Monitor where your kids hang out and who their friends are.
Can Do Parents supervise their children. Monitoring your child’s behavior can significantly decrease her chances of using drugs as well as getting entangled in harmful situations and risky behaviors. Monitoring your pre-teen’s or teenager’s behavior means staying actively and intentionally involved in your pre-teen’s or teenager’s life.
Try one of these ideas.
Go with Your Gut
“It’s 10:00 p,m. Do you know where your children are?” As kids we used to laugh when the newscaster asked that question at the beginning of the local news. It wouldn’t have been so funny if our parents didn’t know where we were. Teens desperately seek more and more freedom but it is a parent’s responsibility to make sure their child is ready for that freedom. The way to find out if your child is ready for more freedom is to monitor his behavior. Does he come home at the appropriate time? Is he where he said he was going to be? Do you know who he will be with? Help your child take baby-steps to becoming an independent person. It is better to give too little freedom now than too much and then try to take it back later.
Ways to monitor:
- Know who your child’s friends are. When possible, talk with their parents.
- Have set curfews. These can be extended as your teen proves to be responsible.
- Know where your child is going and with whom they are going. Don’t be afraid to check and see if he got to that location.
- Establish a check-in time when he calls you or you can call him. These can become less frequent as your child proves to be more responsible.
- Talk to other parent’s of teens you know and find out ways that they monitor their child’s behavior.
If at any time you feel uncomfortable with the situation your child will be in or who he is with, go with your gut —you as the Can Do Parent have the right to intervene. If you have questions about your child’s behavior, speak up! With independence comes responsibility. If you feel that your child is not ready for additional freedom or has broken trust with you take the steps necessary to insure his safety.
Know the Answers to the 4-W Questions
Can Do Parents keep track of their kids. That’s what checking or monitoring your child’s behavior is all about. Make knowing the answers to the 4-W Questions a habit, something you know before your child walks out the door every morning.
- WHAT is your child doing?
- WHEN will your child be home?
Ask your preteen or teenager to check in periodically with you. The 4-W’s are easy to remember and will give you the information you need to know. Provide them with a phone card, a beeper or mobile phone. Assure them they have your trust unless that trust is broken by NOT checking in with you when you ask.
And periodically, check to see that your child is where she said she would be. Do so in a way that is unobtrusive and doesn’t covey a feeling of mistrust. You are not spying on your child. Rather you are exhibiting the actions of a caring Can Do Parent. Your child still needs your guidance as she becomes independent and it is up to you to provide the boundaries for that to happen safely.
Drive Time
Radio stations call the time you are in your car driving to and from work “drive time”. It is this time when you are a captive audience that has the time to be entertained, informed, and hopefully persuaded to purchase some product that is being pitched. You have your own form of “drive time” every time you get into the car to take your child somewhere. Think about it, you are alone together with few distractions and the time to just sit and talk. If you are new to this practice, start out slowly. Don’t try to tackle the heavy issues the first time. Talk about something funny the cat did; or something unusual you heard about on the news. The goal is to become comfortable with this as a time to talk and enjoy your time together. As you become more comfortable you can talk about billboards you see on the road that promote drinking or comedians they have heard who make drug and alcohol use a joke.
Avoid using this time to lecture or the opportunity window will close. This is not confrontation time; it is a time to get to know your child better. You may enjoy it so much that you will miss it when she gets her license.
You’re the Parent!
Friends at school. Friends in your neighborhood. Friends on sports teams. Friends at your church or synagogue. Your child has all kinds of friends. Your kid doesn’t need you to be yet another friend. What he needs is for you to be a parent, an authority figure who loves him while setting appropriate boundaries that guide his behaviors.
Do your child a favor. Be a parent!
Highs and Lows
Say bye-bye to one-word answers from your kids.
At the end of a long day you are finally reunited with your family and you ask your child, “How was your day?”
And her response is, “Fine.”
“What did you learn in school today?” you ask hopefully.
“Nothing,” says your child.
Sound familiar? You really are interested in what’s happening in your child’s life but it seems so hard to get information. And maybe your child would really like to talk about her day but it’s just easier to answer with a one-word response. So whose fault is it that no one is talking to each other around your home? Well actually, no ones. All you need is a little adjustment in how you communicate with each other.
Instead of asking a question that can be answered in just one word why not suggest a new way—Highs and Lows. Say to your family, “Let’s try something new. We’ll go around and everyone can share something good that happened today; that’s a ‘high’. And then if you have something not so good that happened today you can share that too, that’s a ‘low’.” Take your turn first to show others how to begin.
And don’t forget to be a good listener. Ask your family members to focus on the person who is speaking and to save any questions they may have until that person is done speaking. Soon you will be enjoy learning more about each other and growing closer together as you share your day together.
